Chairman's Challenge

The Chairman's Challenge for January was Recycling and it was judged by Mike White. As usual the given subject matter was interpreted in many and varied ways.

1st - Julie Phillips

Put your rubbish in the bin
except for paper, card and tin.
Bin men won't collect my plastic,
wrapping paper or elastic.

This goes here and that goes where?
No room for error, if you dare
put a bottle in the bin,
you'll burn in hell for your sin!

I know we have to save the earth,
honour the land of our birth.
To cut emissions is the plan,
our legacy to future man.

But all the rules they drive me crazy,
insinuate I'm dim and lazy.
I don't need the threat of court,
just less packaging on what I've bought.

©Julie Phillips 2009

2nd - Brenda Carter

Now I have been recycled to this point I want to win: the time for glory is imminent.
Here’s my autobiography. From humble origins I grew green and straight. I was mowed and made hay for horses. The dark days of my career inside were unpleasant but the sun shone at the other end. I was piled up, collected, spread about. I helped make a King Edward, such privilege!
I was dug up, sold, bought and proudly became part of a Gratin Dauphinois. For the ignorant that’s potato cake.
I’m through to the final. I want to win Master Chef.

Copyright © 2009 Brenda Carter

3rd - Darren Bailey


Green Robot Patrol

“Let go you metal maniac!” her wrist was reddening from her struggles against the robot’s grip. She screamed as metal fingers ripped a hair from her head then lifted a baked bean tin from the pile.
“Beep. The DNA test confirms that this is yours.”
The inside of the tin was discoloured with bean juice and there were several beans clinging to the bottom.
“This is your first offence.” It dragged the sobbing woman down the road as it announced. “This woman will serve two months hard labour at the landfill reclamation scheme, for not properly preparing her recycling.”

Copyright © 2009 by Darren Bailey



Every year we publish all our Chairman's Challenges in our anthology. If you'd like to read more you can find back copies on our website

Love, passion and a hint of ‘how’s your father’

That was the theme of our workshop last Saturday. The object of such desire was our writing. Treat it as if your having an affair, Simon Whaley suggested. Purposely make time for your writing, quality time and treasure every minute you spend together.

Simon encouraged us to give our writing a name, then we had to visualise that name as a person and to write a love letter to them, telling them how important they were to us. Some members read their letters out, leaving the rest of us either rather hot under the collar or in fits of laughter.

He then emphasised how important it is to write, to write every day and to enjoy the time we spent writing. At the end of the workshop Simon handed out diaries to every member so that they could ‘make dates’ with the object of their desires and like an illicit lover, you wouldn’t and can’t let them down.

Many, many thanks to Simon for the proverbial ‘kick up the bum’ workshop that we as writers all need from time to time, delivered in an entertaining way that certainly made us think but filled us all with a new resolve.

Simon Whaley is available for workshops for further information see www.simonwhaley.co.uk

Changing Market Forces

Yesterday a dear friend of mine went through absolute hell. Why? Her book was up before the board at Hodder so they could give make the final decision as to whether it was published or not. Sadly they decided against publication. As you can imagine, she was gutted.

But this was no ordinary rejection. In early 2007 she wrote a factual book in three months. This was the first writing she’d ever done. She sent it out, unsolicited, several publishers sent it back but Hodder kept it. Slowly her book made its way through the different editors; each one loved it and sent it on the next, until finally yesterday the ultimate decision was made.

What an amazing achievement.

So why was it rejected? Simply because Hodder felt that they couldn’t sell it successfully because of changing market forces.

So what is being accepted for publication today? Sadly not what is on the shelves at the moment. Publishers are looking to accepting manuscripts that will be in saleable in 2011, yes they work two years ahead. So if you have a manuscript ready to go, perhaps you might like to have a look at the kind of work publishers are looking for.

Andrew Lownie is a literary agent who asked ten publishers what they’d be looking for, in 2009 read what they said and good luck.
http://www.andrewlownie.co.uk/articles/archives/2009/01/books-of-2009.shtml

Things ain't what they used to be

Those of us of a certain age used to have amongst our toys a certain black (as in the colour) toy dressed in red striped trousers, with a red jacket and a wonderful smile. Yes, I’m talking about a Golly. (Sorry I’m not allowed to give him his proper title) Remember the Marmalade and the badges we used to collect and pin to the lapels of our coats? Okay I know I’m showing my age but it wasn’t that long ago.

And then there was the time that you walk into a café or restaurant and order a black coffee, which I’ve done for years. Oh no, no, not PC, it is now known as coffee without milk.

And brainstorming, well sorry folks but that has been downgraded and not by the met office, to a thought shower or a cloud burst.

So has political correctness gone mad? We all have our own opinions on that but remember when you’re writing nowadays you have to more than dot the I’s and cross the t’s.

A must read for all writers

especially those who need a bit of encouragement.

Julie Phillips Motivational Mutterings is a fantastic, well written and witty piece that encourages writers to 'put their bum on the seat and get writing.'

Read it and then get writing.

Get your copy now

New magazine out for writers and readers. Offers free to enter monthly competitions too - enjoy.

Check the letters' page and find out a little more about our own Simon Whaley

The reports of my death.... not a chairman's challenge

Mark Twain said ‘the reports of my death are greatly exaggerated’ when he heard that the New York Journal had published his obituary. The same happened to best selling Wellington born author Hesba Stretton. Twice, the Wellington Journal mistakenly reported her death. The first time in 1909 and the second time in 1911. They eventually got it right when she died in October 1911.

The same thing happened to President George Bush recently when a member of staff at a TV station in South Africa mistakenly pressed the wrong button and for three seconds a banner headline crossed TV screens saying ‘George Bush is dead.’

So be warned, if you ever look through the obituary section in the paper for the names of characters etc, you might get a surprise.

As for me I think I’ll give the paper a miss tonight and flick through my book of baby names.

Worst nightmare scenario

Imagine returning home, parking your car and a fire engine pulls up outside your house. As the vehicle stops a fireman leaps from the cab and starts running up your garden path. Well those of you who know me, won't be surprised to find out that this happened to me on Tuesday night.

I got out the car and asked (politely of course) what the hell was going on.

'We've had a report of a chimney fire here.'

'I don't think so,' I replied, looking at the chimney which was made even more conspicious by its distinct lack of any traces of smoke, never mind a raging fire. I think the lack of smoke also puzzled the fireman as his colleague by this time, although half way up the garden path, had stopped in his tracks. All thoughts of chucking a bucket of water over my fire rapidly diminishing from his mind.

'I don't have an open fire. I'm all electric but there is a chimney fire around the corner, I smelt it as I drove through the village.'

'But was the call made from this house?'

'I seriously doubt it.' By this time, relieved that my house wasn't burning to the ground, I was beginning to find the whole incident quite funny.

'Where did you say the fire was?' He asked.

'Top of the road, turn left, I smelt it by Holland House, almost opposite the church.'

With my directions and a quick thank you from the fireman they reversed their huge fire engine up the narrow lane I live in and went in search of the fire. Fortunately my neighbour's house didn't burn down and their chimney fire was quickly dealt with.

But it got me thinking - what if....?